Academic spam: Part III

10 June 2016

Somewhat disturbingly, Insight Conferences has actually responded to Elsa's email (although, oddly enough, not Ariel’s), asking her to submit an abstract.  So the question now is whether I can write something outlandish enough that they would not proceed with registration.  Mission accepted, Loraine Vagina. 


What follows is the email 'Elsa' received from, her response, and a follow up email from 'Ariel' to the conference organizers. 




Date: Fr, Jun 10, 2016 at 12:43 AM

Subject: RE: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence


Dear Elsa


Thank you for your interest towards the conference.

Please confirm your status through sending your research abstract as per the attached template and then followed by your registration after getting approval.

You will have your research topic for a concerned track to elaborate your ideas.

I am glad to answer your queries



Loraine Regina

Oceanography 2016





Date: Fri, Jun 10, 2016 at 12:26 PM

Subject: Re: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence


Dear Loraine Vagina,


I was thrilled to get your response.  I have attached my presentation title, abstract and biography.  As previously discussed, I have chosen to go with a glaciology motif rather than stick with the dated ‘under the sea’ theme.  However, I had a few questions before we finalize my registration as I have some special requirements we need to discuss:

  1. I would like to deliver my presentation in the form of a song.  Will you have a back-up band available or do I need to arrange my own?

  2. Does the venue contain rooms that can withstand temperatures of minus 200 degrees? (I tend to have problems controlling my cryokinetic powers when I get excited.)


Yours sincerely,



Title: Delving to the Glacial Crevasse

Name: Elsa the Queen of Arendelle

Address: The Royal Palace, Arendelle


For centuries man has delved into the glacial crevasse, trying to understand its mysteries. Was it formed by foliation? Deformation? Fornication? Clearly the answer is none of the above.  The crevasse is forged from an upthrusting crust but contains a magmatic dike with a flow cleavage.  I consider the implications of this through an interpretive song and dance.



I’m 25 and a Sagittarius with Jupiter Rising. I was born in Arendelle and am the Queen of that fair land.  I’m currently single and looking for someone strong enough to withstand my ice-hot womanly power. My partners (humans only please, although frost giants will be considered) need to be able to tolerate extreme cold and withstand an icy stake through the heart.  I also enjoy walks on the beach, rim jobs as well as, obviously, snowballing. My safe word is "let it go".


Presenting author details
Full name:  Elsa the Queen of Arendelle
Contact number: 123-4567
Twitter account:  @IceHotElsa
Linked In account: Elsa Princess-Queen

Session name/ number:  Glaciology
Category: (Oral presentation/ Poster presentation)  Oral, obviously.





Date: Fri, Jun 10, 2016 at 12:28 PM

Subject: Re: ICOMB2016: Forge your admirers through your gracious presence


Dear Loraine Vagina,


My ‘friend’ Elsa just told me that you have asked her to register, but you haven’t yet responded to my email, even though I was the one you initially contacted and who told her about your event in the first place!!!!


Is it because she’s blonde?  Can’t you see that she’s just a second-rate Cinderella!  Plus, she has a head like a space alien (those ridiculously large eyes!!). I also have it on good authority that she’s speciest.  Mickey told me after the last convention that she refused to engage in a threesome with him and Minnie, which is just plain un-American.


I am very disappointed in for not encouraging more diversity in your events.  I was even going to surprise attendees with an impromptu version of ‘Under the Sea’ (aka ‘everything’s better down where it’s wetter’), but I wouldn’t attend your event now if you paid me.


Yours sincerely,