Candidate talks about new threat to America

8 April 2016

I wanna talk to you about what’s happening to our country.  Our country is in serious trouble.  I’m not prejudiced.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m not prejudiced, but let’s be honest here: they are ruining America.  Every year they come here.  They’re mostly not from here but they come here in waves and they shit all over us.  I mean, they literally shit all over us. Plus, they’re horrible, they’re disgusting.  Some of them, I assume, are decent, but most of them carry diseases.  Ever heard of avian flu?  Look, normally I would talk about China, how China is killing us (and they are!).  But today I want to talk about our very survival and the coming bird apocalypse.

 

Why the hell aren’t we doing something about all the birds? Our leaders, who are very, very stupid people by the way, like birds.  They don’t get that birds have weaponized their turds.  They’re drowning people in shit.  They’re attacking people.  Just yesterday my maid—she’s Cuban by the way, the Cubans love me—was attacked by a plover on West 49th.  And you know what?  It’s unbelievable but our government is letting that happen. We could build a 90 ft fence to keep the birds out—I’ve spoken to scientists, fowl don’t fly that high—but this government is weak, they’re ineffective, they’re incompetent.  Look, I’m a builder; I know how to build fences, believe me.  Or we could build a dome, like in that TV show Under the Dome (I’ve seen it.  Didn’t like it, but I’ve seen it.)  I’ve built domes before—one in Miami back in the 80s for the Japanese.  They paid $10 million dollars for it.  I’m not saying they’re stupid but I made a lotta money off that deal. 

 

We need to take action.  Somebody hits you with a turd-nuke and you don’t strike back?  I’m telling you, at some point you gotta say ‘enough’s enough’.  Last week I read there are 200 billion birds in the world.  Maybe 400 billion, we don’t know.  And 7 billion humans.  I’ve done the math. That’s over 100 birds for every human on the planet.  75 to 50, at the very least.  Ever seen The Birds?  It’s nothing—a walk in the park, a birthday party, a love in—compared to what’s coming.  I met Alfred Hitchcock in the 70s—‘Hitch’ we called him.  Great guy.  Fat, but a great guy.  He loved me, by the way.  

 

We need to shoot first, talk later.  Wipe ‘em out.  Destroy ‘em.  I hear that’s why the Chinese eat so much chicken.  They’re taking ‘em out one by one.  They got that strategy from me.  Look, I’m really rich—I’m not saying that in a bragging way, but I’m worth many billions of dollars.  I could eat wagyu steaks for every meal if I wanted.  But I eat fowl because I’m an American.  People think it’s because I’m trying to eat less red meat, but it’s about eating more birds: chicken, turkey, pigeon, duck, goose—even guinea fowl.  You ever seen one of things?  It’s tiny!  It’s tasteless!  It’s like eating a bag of chewy bones but I don’t care. Every time I eat one I know it’s one less of the little sons of bitches to worry about.  You know what kind of pillow I sleep on?  Down-filled.  Same for my duvet cover. 

 

Some people don’t get it.  They say to me ‘why do you hate birds?’  But I tell it like it is.  And the truth is that whenever a bird caws they’re laughing at us.  At our stupidity—well, not mine, but yours.  The bible—great, great book—said it best: 'Look at the birds of the air; they are lazy and yet they get fed. Are you not of more value than they?'  Boom!  I couldn’t say it better myself (well, I could but I won’t).  The birds have gotta be stopped.