Wired Autocomplete Interview

An interview inspired by Google autocomplete suggestions for 'Kirsten Bell' based on people who have misspelt the name of the actress.In light of the fact that last week’s post was about Google, I thought I’d republish my fake Wired Autocomplete Interview, which I originally posted on my personal website in 2021.

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I’ve recently discovered that people have been asking a tonne of questions about me on Google, so in the spirit of Wired’s Autocomplete Interviews, I thought I’d address the web’s most asked questions.

is kirsten bell in good place

Well, I’m not sure any of us have been in a good place this past year, but at least I’ve got back into swimming.

is kirsten bell gossip girl

I think it’s fair to say that any secret shared with me is a secret shared with the world, but I wouldn’t call myself a gossip. Also, I find the use of ‘girl’ to describe a middle-aged woman a bit demeaning.

is kirsten bell forgetting sarah marshall

I don’t know who Sarah Marshall is, so how can I forget someone I haven’t even met?

kirsten bell forgetting sarah marshall age

Given that I’ve never met Sarah Marshall, I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal that I don’t know her age, especially when I can’t even remember my husband’s birthday or our wedding anniversary.

kirsten bell forgetting sarah marshall diet

Why is everyone so concerned about someone I’ve never met? And why on earth would I need to know her diet? I mean, I could understand if she was my best friend, had a deadly nut allergy, and I insisted on Thai food for every meal, but she isn’t and I don’t. Also, what kind of person would I be if I forgot my best friend’s deadly nut allergy?

is kirsten bell vegetarian

No.

is kirsten bell vegan

Obviously not.

what kirsten bell eats in a day

This is getting weird. I mean, I do like Thai food, but I don’t force people I’ve never heard of to eat it.

what are kirsten bell’s children’s names

It’s a bit presumptuous to assume I have kids (and kind of creepy that you would want to know their names). What if I’m infertile? What if I’m part of the voluntary human extinction movement? What if I simply hate children? I do, however, have a carnivorous plant named Medusa and I’ve been trying to seduce Tilly, the cat next door.1

is kirsten bell natural blonde

Okay, I can see how you might be confused by my Zoom filter settings, but what you’re seeing is not blonde but streaks of grey.

how did kirsten bell get famous

Well, I have been described2 as ‘Canada’s pre-eminent Australian anthropologist born in 1975’, but I wouldn’t call myself ‘famous’. As I don’t live in Canada anymore, I guess that makes me the ‘UK’s pre-eminent Australian anthropologist born in 1975’, or at the very least ‘London’s pre-eminent Australian anthropologist born in 1975’.3

what is Kirsten Bell’s net worth

I’m not sure that’s for me to say. Surely history will determine my net worth. But for the record, I’m pretty sure the reviewer who said my paper on male circumcision as a HIV prevention tool was the worst manuscript they’d ever read and it would destroy the reputation of the journal to publish it is on the wrong side of it (history, that is).

how kirsten bell and dax shepad met

That’s kind of an odd question, but when I first moved to the UK and was looking for laundry powder at the supermarket, I didn’t recognise any of the brands. I went with Dax because it was eye-catching and cheap, and have basically stuck with it ever since. I didn’t know they’d moved into feminine hygiene products, though.

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Notes

1 Carole, if you’re reading this, that’s a lie. I don’t know who’s buying those Fancy Feasts roast chicken meals for Tilly, but it’s definitely not me. (Also, RIP, Medusa, although you were a very disappointing carnivorous plant in the end, never catching a single fly except for the ones I fed you.)

2 By myself.

3 I’m beginning to understand the challenges that the marketing team at the University of Roehampton experience whenever the latest league tables come out.