Second Republican candidate responds to claims about imminent threat to America

12 April 2016

My opponent wants you to believe that no one else cares about the coming bird apocalypse.  But the truth of the matter is that the bird apocalypse has already happened and I’ve been talking about it for years

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As a Canadian-born lifelong defender of the American Constitution, I can definitively say that the bird apocalypse began in 1973.  This was the year that the Supreme Court stepped in and took life out of the control of the ordinary people and put it exclusively in the hands of birds.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say that birds are shitting on us—as a Christian, I don’t go in for that kind of language.  But it’s true that birds have already fouled the nest.  Actually, for these birds—the ones with their liberal ‘New York’ values—there is no nest, because they’ve aborted all their eggs. Not a lotta pro-life birds come outta Manhattan is what I’m saying.

 

Let me just say this: I believe we should protect every life from the moment of conception. Unlike these birds, I love eggs; Green Eggs and Ham is my favourite book!  Some people are even talking about drafting birds into combat roles in the military.  My reaction to that is ‘are they nuts?’ What if the bird is in a foxhole fighting a jihadist: a 220-pound psychopath trying to kill them?  What if the bird gets dirty and wants to take a bath?  Birds love taking baths! Don’t you watch the National Geographic Channel and Dove commercials?  What if the bird needs some personal items of a sanitary nature, or sees something shiny, like a jihadist’s watch, and tries to bring it back to the foxhole?  That’s why the 220-pound jihadist is in the foxhole in the first place.  He wants his watch back! 

 

I know that birds like to chirp about ‘equal rights’, but they are far too fickle to be placed in positions of military importance (or, for that matter, presidencies).  As the Bible says (unlike my fellow candidate, I actually attend church every Sunday), “Put the trumpet to your lips!  Like an eagle the enemy comes against the house of the Lord, because they have transgressed My covenant and rebelled against My law”.  You can’t argue with God.  These liberal, pro-choice, pro-gay birds are transgressing America’s Constitution/God’s covenant and they have gotta be stopped.